No one to adjust to. No one to cater to. The poker face folds. I let the sound of nature lull me deep into myself once again. I can only get here by myself.
How have I achieved my successes?
When I first started working, I knew nothing. I was the youngest person on site. Surrounded by men old enough to my father, my job was to tell them how to assemble gas turbine generator sets. They would ask me questions. I would say I don’t know. I’d read hundreds of pages of technical manuals. Understanding one system at a time. How does the cooling and sealing air work? Do I understand the piping and instrumentation diagram? How does this come together? The next morning, I would have an answer. If I couldn’t figure it myself, I’d ask my colleagues for assistance. Looking back, I think I had fun reading about the ways in which the fiery beast spun itself into megawatts of power. It was the fun factor that kept me going. Being curious. Wanting to understand. Being responsible. Being honest.
How did I spend my free time? There was no TV to watch. This was before the advent of streaming online services.
If I wasn’t reading about gas turbines, silence filled the room. No one to speak to. No one to do things with. Alone in a foreign country. Not that I had a lot of free time after working 11 hour days. Traveling to work took an hour. Then another hour back through the Shanghai traffic. I used to be lonely. Having to make new friends wherever I went.
I was successful because I worked hard. I worked long hours. Sometimes, I would go into the office after a full work day, only to leave at 2am to finish all the paperwork. I used to jump on conference calls 10pm most nights.
The younger me deserved all the successes of yesterday.
The present me, I’m not sure.
On cruise control, with no desire to speed up or slow down. Wanting to cruise to see where I’ll end up. When was the last time I drove aimlessly to find myself at the most fabulous place? Never.
I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where I want to go. I am complacent. I’m dishonest with myself. I’m not putting in enough hours. My tools are rusty. I neglect my craft.
All things worth achieving should be written down. What do I want for myself? There’s ample time after working hours to sharpen my pencils. I don’t need to quit my job to write full time. Do great while earning my monthly pay check.
All things take time. All things worthwhile come ever so slowly. Have you ever watched a flower in bloom? It looks as if nothing is happening. Until one day, when you least expect it, the flower is in full bloom. You can’t help but marvel at its beauty. Its colorful hues. Beautiful things come slowly and suddenly. Then it’s gone. Except it’s not. It’s hibernating. Transforming itself. Resting and gathering energy before the next spring. comes.