No gym, no problem!

I thought I would be able to keep up my fitness despite not going to the gym (gyms are closed).

I thought wrong.

I planned to do my usual squats and other circuit training at home. Three months passed with average daily activity of less than 2000 steps. Sometimes hundreds!

One day, I overindulged myself into a gout. I kid you not. Yes, from a day of too many chocolate bars, and barely moving, my left foot swelled to the size of a Hobbit’s (more on this later…)

Couldn’t walk. Couldn’t drive.

Fast forward a month. I run for 10 minutes without stopping, and my lungs burn like they never did before. I had to stop and rest, fighting back coughing fits.

The run scared me. I have been in excellent shape since 2014. Although I don’t run outdoors often, I used to do enough cardio and strength training to run a 5k under 28 minutes, impromptu.

Now I find myself gasping for air, not able to breathe. I exhaust from a fast walk uphill.

Seriously? After six years of consistent fitness, I am reduced to this? How am I supposed to outrun the corona or zombies if World War Z were to strike?

I was embarrassed with myself. For letting myself go. For neglecting once again the most important person in my life: me.

So I decided to invest in my greatest asset and bought a rowing machine: concept2 model D, world’s most popular model. I have used this brand for 20 years, and it always gives me the best workout.

Surprisingly, it arrived three days later, and I have completed 5 workouts, 3 in a row as of tonight.

I love the way my body glides across the rail as my arms extend, and I gulp for air before my body glides again. My goal this week is 15 minutes or 3km.

I have done this thrice. Two more days to go before accomplishing week 1’s goal of getting back to shape.

Well done me.

“Why haven’t you updated your blog?” My friend from work asked me.

I hate excuses. They are all stupid. Too busy. Not enough time. It’s hard. Blah blah.

I haven’t done it. I being key. I give my best hours and self to work and others. Leaving me with second best. After a full day of work, I am spent and all I want to do is nothing. Rest. My tank is empty.

I fell off the wagon again. And will do so again! However, as I get back on, like I do now, I learn something new. This time? Put myself first. Nothing can replace me.

Instead of trying to fit life around work, and focusing on retirement savings, fit work around my life. Live my life.

Monday: Tired. Tuesday. Fluish. Wednesday. Body aches and mild fever. I take a bath.

Thursday: all of the above. Continue to toss and turn. And can’t sleep through the night. Another bath.

Friday. Again, toss and turn. Cannot sleep through the night. Waking every hour to pee. A call from colleague to check in on me. After another bath, I decide to get tested.

I call Lancet. They only test post a doctor’s referral. I call my doctor and the receptionist asks standard set of questions. Have you been exposed to covid19? Have you travelled recently? No. No. I call my work health care line. I describe my symptoms and they book me in. I call the testing site and they are busy. I am booked for 1115 am on Monday.

Massive headaches start around 2pm and my head feels as if it’s a migraine. I generally feel worse and sneeze more.

I am pretty sure I have the virus. The annoying bit? I have been on the forefront of telling people about the dangers of this virus. The need to prepare. Flatten the curve. Getting angry and incredulous when I see people not washing hands after using the bathroom

My head hurts so much and I can’t really talk.

And here I am.

How do you measure the quality of your life? By the number of trailing zeroes in your bank account? Size of your house? Number of fancy cars in your garage? Number of designer hand bags?

I measure mine by the number of free moments, freedom to work or not anywhere, and quality of mutually meaningful relationships.

Yet, I find myself chasing deadlines, waking to work to back home routine. Fighting the urge to work all the time, and use my Saturday to rest before getting to unfinished and never ending work piling up.

Living the life that is against my ethos so I can have the money to get time to spend with loved ones.

The irony of it all.

People want cheaper this and that. So companies must cut staff. Cost goes down and so does the price of goods. But the ones grateful and good enough to retain their jobs must work longer. And those let go, need cheaper things as their purchasing power reduces.

And it goes on and on and on.

Now than I was before September 2, 2019.

It’s as if my eyes can see what I used to take for granted. Aware of all people and things, I peer inside.

I see myself from the outside in. The insider had been reaching out all along. The outsider grabs the hand. Into each other’s eyes, they smile. The two become one. The outsider is no longer blind. She stops dragging the other. The insider no longer begs to be seen and heard. Her cry ends.

Then they teach me what I am ready to learn:

It is my duty to take care of myself. There is no one better. I can only be the best me. That is all I can and should do. Instead of trying to make someone else happy, I must put myself first. Because my life is mine to love. Not doing so is the greatest abdication of my life’s work.

I’m adjusting relatively well to the new time zone. My sleep can improve.

Most are shocked to see my dry eyes crinkling with laughter. Why isn’t she depressed? Why isn’t she sitting in the corner crying? How can she be okay?

Practice makes everything easier. This is the third major death of immediate family member. It was not the first, nor will it be the last. We are born. We die. Why are we shocked to learn of death, when that is the surest truth of human existence?

Death is like sex. Some parents believe that talking about sex will lead to their children having premature sex. Most don’t broach the subject of death unless it is to share sympathy or relay the horrific news. We don’t talk about death. We are therefore unprepared for the inevitable end of our lives. How will those survived carry out the funeral? What will happen to my asset? Who will look after the dependents? Why do only 40% of us have a will, yet we kow where we are going for our next holiday?

This death made me think about life differently. There is one life with this one body and mind. Instead of worrying and wondering if we are good enough, why don’t we worry about the type of life we lead? Am I livng my best life? What must I stop doing? What should I invest more time and money?

Emotions still surge.

I cried. I screamed. I was sad. Grief will strike unexpectedly.

But when I looked at his life, separate from my own guilt and regret, I think he had a good life. He left without pain. He had a respectful and celebratory send off attended by the hundreds. He had created a community of friends, mentors, mentees, and family that would mourn the loss of his life. He lived fully, and ate three meals that were the ultimate testament of his well being and contentment. No savings. No assets. A man working to live day to day. A man who took care of others and not himself nor his biggest responsibility. He did the best he could. He was proud of his creations.

He was a man who gave his best.

I wonder if I am living my best, using the gifts, talents, and opportunity I have been fortunate to have in my life

Asking me if I had something to eat.

Yelling at me for not eating enough.

Giving me a bath followed by a massage after a long flight.

Calling to see if my head is feeling better.

Offering to fly across the ocean to feed me.

Giving me space.

Coming over to spend the night.

Tickling me and making me laugh.

Squeezing and poking my pudge.

Laughing at the transcontinental fart over the phone.

Picking me up at 530am, when the flight is only at 8pm.

Sending funny messages just because.

Asking me what my sister would like to eat when she comes to visit.

Waiting patiently for me to get a cup of coffee even when you are starving.

Your love reminds me of my favorite sound. You are the wind. I am the tree. You breath into me, and my leaves dance, reflecting the white light from the above. You are the breeze that clears my head and warms my heart. I breathe in your love and dance as the leaves gyrate and shake our pain and past hurts. The music is the sound of our embrace, our play, our laughter.

Oprah’s asked Maya Angelou the best advice she has ever given.

When her son asked her how to make friends, Maya replied:

1. To make a friend, you must be a friend.

2. Keep a space in yourself and keep it clean. Say no when it’s no. Keep a safe place for yourself. No one, including parents and family can ever override that.

When asked what advice she’s received, her reply: forgive. It doesn’t mean you continue the relationship. You have to protect yourself. Forgiveness means letting go of what happened. Often, it also involves cutting certain people out of your life.

And that’s okay.

Since Friday, I haven’t slept through the night. Worse than jetlag. Eyes pop open at 1am. Body tosses and turns. Mind circles back to all the things I have yet to do and issues to be resolved.

Work stress. White hair. It ain’t worth it.

I have 3 full times and a side gig. Just two months ago, I had one job that drove me insane…

When it rains, it pours. How do I make the most of this opportunity?

I am tired and energized at the same time.

Still, I made time to see an old colleague who is now doing his own thing. He loves it. According to him, you have fun in your 20s, specialize in 30s and make money in your 40s.

He also pointed out that I am not my father. I have education, network, and experiences. I will always employable and …what is the worst thing that can happen?

It was a good dinner meeting with someone I hadn’t seen in few years.