According to Ms. McHugh’s TedX talk, “The art of being yourself”, we were born with a life sentence. How long we live is not up to us. Further, we are born unique. Our experiences. Our thoughts and feelings are uniquely ours to carry to our grave.
As we get older, we grow self-conscious. Seeing ourselves compared to others: we are not the smartest, strongest, prettiest, tallest, ugliest, etc. Consciousness puts our deepest selves to sleep.
I’m no exception. I’ve been hiding my weird. My crazy. My wonderful crazy. My past. My thoughts. My ridiculous imagination. My body. My beautiful body. My mind. My brilliant mind. Trying to make myself small, when I was born a giant.
Fuck you, inhibition! I was born naked. My naked body will disintegrate into this earth. Eventually, I will leave nothing behind.
So… Let me be free. Let myself be free. Because only I can set myself free.
As we hide, we sleepwalk through life. Waiting for things to happen, instead of driving what we want out of it. Making decisions when forced to. When we get too fat, we change our food and exercise patterns. When someone around us get sick, we make time for them. When we are retrenched, we update our resumes and apply for jobs we really want. When there is an accident, we decide to be more careful and drive better. When someone threatens to leave, we stop the abuse and start paying attention.
We make life-changing decisions when we are at our worst: vulnerable and weak. We wait for someone to choose us and soothe us. Except we don’t choose ourselves. We choose someone else. We respect others but not ourselves. We give to others, but not to ourselves. We love others but we don’t love ourselves.
But why don’t we drive action while we are loved, safe, secure and content? Instead of keeping peace and pretending everything is fine, why don’t we talk about the things on our minds?
Because when we are at our best, we have the logical, emotional and physical prowess to achieve the impossible. Because we can sit and assess where we are before figuring out where we want to go next. Supported and advised by the loved ones, in the comfort of financial and emotional cushion. When we are on top of the world!
Maybe it’s because we are still stuck playing children when we became adults. No one told us to act like adults. No one told us to take responsibility for our adult lives. Perhaps it’s because we were so busy going to school, getting a new job, moving to a new city, getting a new place… We didn’t take the time to see that no one can tell us what to do anymore.
What are the differences between children and adult? Children must be told what to do. Children must be taken care of. Children must be driven. Children must be fed. Children have a curfew.
Adults must make decisions for themselves. Adults take care of themselves. Adult drive themselves or order an uber. Adults feed themselves. Adults decides when to go home and sleep before going to work the next day.
I’ve been avoiding what I call ‘difficult conversations’. Tip-toeing, pretending like everything is fine when my body screams no. Laughing when I want to cry. Apologizing when I should demand one. Not speaking up when something pisses me off. Sleep walking through life and wishing things away. Like the little girl in the cold lighting matches imagining fire places and luxurious dinners. She ends up freezing to death. She may have better served herself by seeking shelter.
I must re-frame. It’s not difficulty. It’s a necessity. Just like the air we breathe. Water we drink. It’s taking action when things are going well. When there is love in the air. When they are rooting for you and wanting the best for you, instead of fighting to keep themselves safe. So they can understand. So they can decide to be part of my life. So they can help me. So that we can create the world of our equal creation.
Instead of being summoned. Instead of waiting for someone to engage us in conversation. Instead of waiting for someone to love us. Someone to feed us. Someone to comfort us.
Be present. Start the conversation now. Love yourself. Feed yourself. Comfort yourself. Own your weirdest craziest and the most ridiculous self.