Month: September 2019

Now than I was before September 2, 2019.

It’s as if my eyes can see what I used to take for granted. Aware of all people and things, I peer inside.

I see myself from the outside in. The insider had been reaching out all along. The outsider grabs the hand. Into each other’s eyes, they smile. The two become one. The outsider is no longer blind. She stops dragging the other. The insider no longer begs to be seen and heard. Her cry ends.

Then they teach me what I am ready to learn:

It is my duty to take care of myself. There is no one better. I can only be the best me. That is all I can and should do. Instead of trying to make someone else happy, I must put myself first. Because my life is mine to love. Not doing so is the greatest abdication of my life’s work.

I’m adjusting relatively well to the new time zone. My sleep can improve.

Most are shocked to see my dry eyes crinkling with laughter. Why isn’t she depressed? Why isn’t she sitting in the corner crying? How can she be okay?

Practice makes everything easier. This is the third major death of immediate family member. It was not the first, nor will it be the last. We are born. We die. Why are we shocked to learn of death, when that is the surest truth of human existence?

Death is like sex. Some parents believe that talking about sex will lead to their children having premature sex. Most don’t broach the subject of death unless it is to share sympathy or relay the horrific news. We don’t talk about death. We are therefore unprepared for the inevitable end of our lives. How will those survived carry out the funeral? What will happen to my asset? Who will look after the dependents? Why do only 40% of us have a will, yet we kow where we are going for our next holiday?

This death made me think about life differently. There is one life with this one body and mind. Instead of worrying and wondering if we are good enough, why don’t we worry about the type of life we lead? Am I livng my best life? What must I stop doing? What should I invest more time and money?

Emotions still surge.

I cried. I screamed. I was sad. Grief will strike unexpectedly.

But when I looked at his life, separate from my own guilt and regret, I think he had a good life. He left without pain. He had a respectful and celebratory send off attended by the hundreds. He had created a community of friends, mentors, mentees, and family that would mourn the loss of his life. He lived fully, and ate three meals that were the ultimate testament of his well being and contentment. No savings. No assets. A man working to live day to day. A man who took care of others and not himself nor his biggest responsibility. He did the best he could. He was proud of his creations.

He was a man who gave his best.

I wonder if I am living my best, using the gifts, talents, and opportunity I have been fortunate to have in my life

Asking me if I had something to eat.

Yelling at me for not eating enough.

Giving me a bath followed by a massage after a long flight.

Calling to see if my head is feeling better.

Offering to fly across the ocean to feed me.

Giving me space.

Coming over to spend the night.

Tickling me and making me laugh.

Squeezing and poking my pudge.

Laughing at the transcontinental fart over the phone.

Picking me up at 530am, when the flight is only at 8pm.

Sending funny messages just because.

Asking me what my sister would like to eat when she comes to visit.

Waiting patiently for me to get a cup of coffee even when you are starving.

Your love reminds me of my favorite sound. You are the wind. I am the tree. You breath into me, and my leaves dance, reflecting the white light from the above. You are the breeze that clears my head and warms my heart. I breathe in your love and dance as the leaves gyrate and shake our pain and past hurts. The music is the sound of our embrace, our play, our laughter.

Oprah’s asked Maya Angelou the best advice she has ever given.

When her son asked her how to make friends, Maya replied:

1. To make a friend, you must be a friend.

2. Keep a space in yourself and keep it clean. Say no when it’s no. Keep a safe place for yourself. No one, including parents and family can ever override that.

When asked what advice she’s received, her reply: forgive. It doesn’t mean you continue the relationship. You have to protect yourself. Forgiveness means letting go of what happened. Often, it also involves cutting certain people out of your life.

And that’s okay.