I unfurl my limbs, like the tiny shoot sprouting after a long and uneventful winter. Pushing the tough shell to kiss the sweet air filled with promise of a new life.
I look around to see contentment. People coming together to enjoy nothing other than each other.
It is a great evening to be alive and well.
My team of 4 sits in the corner but there is a seat in between them.
Two days ago, I asked them to sit next to one another on a 2×2 grid.
I created two rows of separation between me and the team to give then space to work among themselves.
Already, I see them talking more and working better together.
Lately, I have been binging on Netflix series and feeling like a zombie. Not ideal and completely nonproductive. Addiction of this nature is a symptom of unresolved internal issues.
I haven’t been able to do much writing, and it’s impossible to do so while driving. I deleted the wretched app from my phone and got some well received rest last night.
To make the best use of my drive to work, I decided to say out loud the things usually captured in black and white. I talked out loud, highlighting recent events that magnetized fears boiling to the surface.
Appreciating the people and the things in my life. Celebrating accomplishments. Lamenting on failures.
Recapping the dreams and hopes that have mostly come true.
Conclusion? Growth and development is important to me. It makes me happy to push against the boundaries. I had been holding myself back for foolish reasons, and despite my efforts to grow, I had been too accustomed to shrinking and hiding away from the world. Like a baby elephant tied to a pole and growing big and powerful, yet not knowing it is free to go as it wishes.
No longer small and powerless.
It takes a long time to change our behavior. Habit, they call it.
What must I do to change my ways from the old to the desired new state.
Don’t handle the same thing twice. Touch it once. Do it right first time. Reduce switching costs. Have difficult discussions as soon as possible.
It was good to vent to myself this morning. Overdue catharsis.
The television was on even when it was time to sleep. Especially when peace and quiet was the the flavor of the night.
A thin blanket covers the linoleum floor. The two of us share a blanket atop. She holds my hand. She touches my head. Personal space, grandma? She calls me baby. She just wants to be close. She would look at my face as if trying to remember me for all the times she would miss me.
She and I fall asleep. I conclude my visit. I move on. Time fills the gap. I forget about the times we shared.
I reach out for his hand as I fall asleep. I reach for his hands to caress and slot my hand inside his.
I look into his eyes. His face. Trying to savor every detail. Every textured surface. As if I am her. Old and forgotten, living on her own, away from her children and their children. The TV keeps her company when she is alone. Always alone. Too quiet.
I am not she. I am not old. I am not alone. I am not lonely.
I am me but I think of her often. Thoughts of her brings me joy and tears, all at once. I am not just a sum of my own life, but a collection of my ancestors even if I have no recollection of their lives.
I wonder, did I do enough? Was I too harsh? Was I kind? Was I around? Was I enough? Never enough. Always too much. Many regrets.
I reach for his hand. I imagine how she must have felt when she held mine in her wrinkly hands. To be able to hold the hand of someone you love is a privilege. A moment to be treasured and appreciated right now.
And spending money for others can be uncannily satisfying. Imagining how happy they will be when the package arrives.
Why do we still see skinny models everywhere? Why aren’t there people who look more like the rest of us representedon ads?
This thought is sparked my a conversation I had with a lady in her 40s who is 178cm or about 5’11”. I joked she should be a run way model and she said no way. Why not, I asked. There are more women who look like her, than the super skinny lady I saw at the gym with a nice boob job.
Especially in Africa? People here have different body types.
Why aren’t people of color featured more here or elsewhere, for that matter?
We have no choice but to die. We don’t know when. We don’t know how. But this is a fact.
We have a choice to live or simply exist. We know this must be done now. We should know how. This is also a fact.
Yet, we fret about death.
Yet, we do nothing do fill our precious days.
Why do we waste our time worrying about the things we have no control over?
Why do we not do the things within our control?
Why?
After much needed and overdue self beration, I am back on track. Gymming. Working. Driving. Resting.
During the last two weeks, I realized how unmotivated and self absorbed I had been. I said it but didn’t believe myself when I told myself this is a great opportunity to grow. Now I believe it, and now I feel it in my bones.
I fall all the time. But I also get up as quickly as I can.
Artisans are not made overnight. It may seem simple, building and maintaining everyday items like pumps or motors. Changing oil. Replacing spark plugs. Installing a kitchen cabinet. Taking flanges apart and put them back together.
I once worked on an oil tanker during summer vacation. I had to drill holes and weld stuff. I had to connect things, like compression air pipes and make brackets. Sounds simple enough and I had been trained on all these skills. But I didn’t do these things aside from weekly 4 hour labs during school.
During those 3 months, I drilled and welded. I got better and faster but I was still a novice. I know how to do it, and what good looks like, but I don’t have the practical expertise to call myself an artisan.
Artisans take a different route from traditional university degreed professionals. They have to get their hands dirty. They must invest in quality tools. They go through apprenticeships to hone in their skillset.
We need more artisans to build quality products and buildings. It is a dying skill that require investment.
I have been fortunate to be exposed to both theory (strategy) and execution (build, operate, and maintain). The biggest gap in this world is with the execution…how do we get better, I wonder.
It’s getting warm. Finally.
The moonlit early morning is magical. It feels as if the world belongs to a few early risers.
I haven’t done what I was supposed to last night. Oh well