Month: July 2017

Urgent and important takes over all other important matters. Running faster and farther… But for what? Why am I working so hard? When others daftly deflect and brush the undone into a decorative destitution? Running from one place to the next for what gains and aspiration?

The Rat Race… I have gotten back into the full swing of chasing the unknown. Not understanding why I run and towards where. Forgetting my once unwilling yet active role in this race?

I scoff. I just volunteered to do even more. My value proposition or contribution margin for the company increases while my profit margin dwindles with additional cost of time and exhausted resources.

There is no life outside of work because the mind needs to draw a blank canvas. The heart has no space to let others in. Instead, it builds a wall to preserve itself. The important matters of the soul takes a back seat. And the body suffers when the controls go haywire. Everything is broken. Nothing is okay.

This constant battle. This yo-yo of life.

Wednesday, hump day. The struggle is real. The rat race.

I am sprinting, and the wheel is turning.

Swipe left, left left.

Even if there is a match, no one starts the conversation. And once started, it goes nowhere and the meeting leads to another dead-end.

Too hairy. Not enough hair. Too much of this. Too little of that.

Someone better will come along so let’s not waste time with the short one. The tall one. The boring one. The arrogant one. There are many reasons to say no and not good enough to say yes.

The abundance of mates.

The abundance of career options.

The abundance of things to eat for dinner.

The abundance of time. The abundance of shared moments with those we care about.

How many times have we regretted uttering unnecessary and hurtful words? Too often, we don’t apologize soon enough and when we try, it’s too late. He/she/they have disappeared or doesn’t care to have us in their lives. We think we have all the time and options in the world. Often, we forget our extremely limited time in this world.

Sure. It’s good to have an abundant mindset to visualize the impossible and drive action. But acknowledgement of scarcity of time, options and possibilities may ground us to the present and prepare us for the tomorrow.

Wake up to the sweet melody of a brand new alarm to start day 197 of 2017.

Sometimes, all it takes to feel better is a good night’s rest.

At the mall to get a new phone. The GPS works. I actually get notification as the messages are sent and received… It’s been 3 years since I last got a lemon of a phone and today is the first day that I join 2017 with Samsung S7 because S8 is more expensive by $10 a month, and so why not just get an older model?

As I’m fiddling with my phone, young man walking with a fried pauses and asks to buy me a drink. This just an hour after a guy tries to hand me a flyer for a store. I politely decline say, ‘I’m okay’ and he replies, ‘I see that.’

Flattering? Or disrespectful?

The helper comes in the morning as promised, but an hour late due to public transport issues. He does a good job. He’s even more dismayed at the shoddiness of the work left behind by the horrible builders.

The mirror is hung up finally and in an effort to remove a sticker, I use a green scrubbing pad leaving me with a silver dollar size of scratches… Why did I do this after 4 months of waiting for the mirror to go up…

Impatience. Doing things without thinking about it. Decision fatigue.

Sometimes it’s better to leave things unfinished (I can’t believe I just said that).

It’s Friday and the flavor of conversation revolves around weekend plannin.

“What are you doing?”

Me: I’m going to hang mirrors and pictures!

“That’s it? Nothing else? Aren’t you going to do something FUN?”

Me: … I am actually quite excited about the pictures… I’ve been meaning to hang them for the past four months…

“Sorry!”

Often, we say things not understanding the effect of our words on others. What could be trivial to us could mean the world to someone else.

More than half the 2017 has come and gone, and I have written 54 062 words spanning across 113 pages. Every little bit of words and sentences adding up to a really big number. The words represent sum of 193 blog entries and random ramblings. Including a shot of so called poetry.

These numbers remind me to keep going. To do the work and let the fingers dance across the spring-loaded keys. Keep going despite the many stumbles and falls. Because life happens. Life laughs and throws tantrums. The body gets sick. The mind grows tired. The heart gets broken.

But the days keep stringing along, getting longer and definitely more interesting. I usher in the present of today with the anticipation for what tomorrow will bring. Life happens every day and I want to continue happening too, for as long as my mind can command the fingers to dance and let the words waltz to the different beats.

My necklace of days is strung with words.

What is yours made of?

Being back at work must have been too much, too soon. And so, she’s back in the hospital.

I am reminded of a Tedx talk, “what people say when they don’t know what to say” by Adrianne Haslet-Davis, survivor of a Boston marathon bombing. What I took away: Don’t ask what you can do for those in need. Think about what would give them a little bit of joy and do just that. Instead of not doing anything, not visiting, ignoring, and making things easier for ourselves, do what’s right. Do what you can to make it easier and better for another human being.

I’m not quite sure what I could do. I remember being in the hospital once. Not in my own clothes but in hospital gowns. On a bed with no one around me. Feeling isolated and helpless. A world of endless waiting and hoping.

The smallest things taken for granted seem so precious and impossible. Sterile walls. Sterile furniture. Sterile smells.

Being able to walking out to the patio to take a breath of morning’s freshness while sipping on the steaming cup of coffee cut with milk. The little things of life taken for granted. The sum of little things is what life is made of.

I wish I could give the comforts of a hot liquid warming her body. Instead, I’ll do what I can. Usher in a bit of the outside world into her corner with electronic messages.

I see a friend that’s been away for too long.

She tells me what she’ll be doing in her new role and I’m too preoccupied with my issues to give what she’s doing some thought… until later after I get home. Wait… this doesn’t sound right. The plan was to move to another company with a better working hours and less stress. Why is she working for the same boss once again? Concerned, I plan to speak to her about it when I see her again.