I am extremely ill. It started slowly on Saturday, getting a bit worse on Sunday, and on Monday, it hits me like a truck in full velocity. It always does, doesn’t it?
I go in for three 1-1 meetings. Both bosses tell me to go home to rest. So I go home. I sleep in between drinking tea. My entire being is absolutely and totally exhausted.
Who knew?
He eats his ice cream like a magician. A professional. Someone who gets paid to do this. How fun is it to eat ice cream and laugh as if there is no tomorrow. As if we are still school children with no worries but homework?
Someone from the altMBA program recommended I pick up The Highly Sensitive Person. How to thrive when the world overwhelms you, written by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.
Below excerpt describes my struggle to achieve balance in constant conflict.
“This kind of HSP would be both very curious and very cautious, bold yet anxious, easily bored yet easily overaroused. The optimal level of arousal is a narrow range. One could say there is a constant power struggle between the advisor and the impulsive, expansive warrior within the person… What type are you? Does your pause-to-check/advisor system rule alone, thanks to a quiet activator/warrior-ing system? That is, is it easy for you to be content with a quiet life? Or are the two branches that govern you in constant conflict? That is, do you always want to be trying new things even if you know that afterward you will be exhausted?”
I’m spending getting to know myself without spreading myself too thin. I listened to a friend’s advice to not sign up for additional projects, except now I find myself bored. No surprise.
I guess I’m one of those conflicted HSP. Can you relate? If so, I recommend you pick up the book and give it a read.
“Hey, where is your converse! You are wearing heels!??? What’s going on?”
I dressed up to meet a woman. And so, we meet after not seeing each other for three years. (Time, how fast you tick along…)
She is exactly the same, except better because she’s wiser and older. It took her 2.5 years to turn cash positive, without having an adverse impact on her family of three on the back of a lifelong savings. She found ways to reduce the overhead by using an executive lounge nearby. She had believers who believed in her along the way.
The biggest lesson her mentor gave her? Don’t do it alone. Do it with a partner. Hey, here is someone I think you should work with.
3 years later, she calls her partner her ‘husband’. The two of them complement each other. Pick each other up when one is down. One brings intuition and corporate experience. The other, analytical, detailed thinking.
I can’t help but smile and volunteer services. I ask how I can help. I recommend she get her own YouTube channel to showcase what an African woman entrepreneur can do. How she can share her light with those in need of her counsel. Her time is limited, and so the video recording can be used to reach far and wide.
I’m honored to pay for our 3-hour lunch. It also helps that the steak with carrot and green veggies was absolutely delicious.
I found a way to on board an internal employee into our team to fill the huge gap that’s been growing too far and wide. A young asset full of energy and possibilities. Watching him thrive in challenging environment makes me proud. I am also finding ways to pull in cross-functional resources…
To do so, we must understand:
Interviewing – candidate 1
Helping the boss interview candidates to fill the vacancy I’ve created. The case study highlights the current status of operation, challenges and a red herring to see how one produces quality content despite time constraints. How does one focus one prioritize?
She’s pleasant and answers all the questions. But it’s clear she has had little executive stakeholder engagement. She is unable to answer the questions more than three sentences. The three of us used to work together, and she’s so pleasant and likable.
Unfortunately, not the right candidate. Too junior although she is four years older than me. The importance of learning opportunity to get the right experience and expertise. I have been lucky, haven’t I?
There is another side of the good that we always gloss over.
I put a reminder on the wall:
Be impatient and get one marshmallow now.
Or get away from instant gratification and earn two marshmallow from exercising patience.
You are beautiful from head to toe. I hadn’t expected this. Not a wave, but tsunamis wash over me. So much in common, yet enough differences to balance things out. A three-hour encounter ensues.
My body tingles. I welcome you into my sentient; grateful to have you thaw away the winter of obscure nothingness. Evening fills with countless stories and heartfelt affirmations. We listen without interruption. We talk as if there is nothing else in the world aside from each other.
You say you have a gift for me. A poem you wrote. It’s skillful in its tug of war, acknowledging what is said and challenging its previous effort with carefully constructed words. A singsong of give and take …an impossible feat yet executed with artisan precision.
I show you mine. I find myself serious and not quite myself. Not sure why, but it makes me wonder.
I enjoy our time. Or was it space? Will we see each other again? Will our paths intersect? Does it even matter? A moment must be treasured no matter the outcome. To share three hours with someone who takes the time to think and understand himself gives me relief from the desert of mindlessness.
My heart awakens as you breathe life back into my fragile soul. You’re right to say that the world has a way of helping us maintain the balance when we least expect it. I’m glad we got a chance to meet and connect. Thank you for your presence and your generous feedback.
The day is designed to deflect all distractions. No sound. No music. No Internet. No conversations. I abstain from the world. My hands grab a chalk and scratch the blackboard. I drink a cup of matcha instead of coffee. I’ve run out of milk.
I’m afraid of drinking it black…what if I like it? The creamy and white liquid no longer needed to balance out the darkness. It was only few years ago that I cut the sweetness of sugar.
I play back one of past week’s events. She accuses me of putting someone in therapy. How I can live with myself? As if therapy is so terrible. Therapy reserves and protects space for self and nothing else. Nothing else can compete. No deadlines. No children. No parents. No significant others. Nothing else matters at the end of our days.
Focus on the sentient within. Focus on the matters too close to the heart to reveal to the outside world. A safe space to connect and to take care of the soft and bruised inner self.
I take it in. I claim responsibility, and so reflect upon my actions and the effects on those not yet ready for the directness of the truth. How I must learn to deliver the message with wrapping paper decorated with glitter and ribbons… too often promising more than what the box holds.
I used to hate wrapping presents but I do because the recipient expects it. The recipient likes it.
Me? I’m both unromantic and utilitarian. If you must, you can do so with newspaper.
What’s inside matters. Nothing else matters at the end of our days.
The body wants to rest but the mind can’t shut down. It’s too tired to do anything. The TV lights up and the body crumples. Wake up into the day with no clear objective. Too many promise with best of intentions. People overload.
People tell me I look tired. Twice this week, someone tells me I’m in the wrong line of work. My creativity should be used to do something else. First thing that comes to mind: how can I monetize this? Can I make a living out of it? The capitalism has taken its stronghold on me. I can’t escape it. It’s now a part of me.
Overall, I’m frustrated and unfulfilled. The volume of work isn’t what gets me. I can do it. I just don’t have the time to get to everything.
Maybe I’m frustrated with myself. I am not sure where I want to go. Maybe I do but am ignoring it. I’m very good with denials. I am thinking… maybe it’s time to leave this place. There is nothing else here for me. I have bought a place. Gone through renovation. Proven my worth to myself: I can do anything I can put my mind to. I can lead. I can manage. I can make friends and keep them. What else is there for me to do here?
I come back to a beautiful place filled with hand picked items reflecting my taste to give me peace of mind when I return. Even as I sit on my comfy chair in the perfect dining area, I can’t help but wonder… What am I doing here, and why am I here?
Why?